We all know that I have dealt with anxiety pretty much my whole life, and if you didn’t know then, hey my name is Filipa Jackson and I’m an absolute wreck. Anxiety is a big part of who I am, its shaped me, for better or worse. But what I wasn’t expecting was, that at this stage in my life I would still be dealing with my anxiety.
I’m pretty sure you know by now that Sameer and I struggled to get pregnant, it took us three long years, but were finally blessed with our pregnancy by the miracle of IVF. During our fertility journey my anxiety was at all all time low, or high, however you want to put it, it was BAD. Bordering on the edge of depression, my struggles were real, I felt like the walls were closing in on me and there wasn’t a door or window to escape in sight.
But why did I still feel so anxious once I got my positive test, once my belly started to grow, once I saw my baby on the ultrasound screen, once I felt the kicks of my little girl, once I got everything I ever wanted?! Why was my anxiety still at the forefront of my life? I felt shame and guilt over feeling this way. I have friends that are still struggling, yet I’m sad… how dare I feel sadness?!
I think coming from a place of fertility issues and every month being one of bad news, I was waiting for the glitch, I was waiting for it all to be taken away. Instead of treasuring each moment, which don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being pregnant, it’s the greatest time of my life, I was worried that it was all going to end. I found myself still jealous of strangers announcing their pregnancies, just like before, but why? My baby grew strong inside of me. To be honest I don’t know why, maybe because I had felt these feelings for so long, that they became who I am.
Today I still feel anxiety on the daily, and trust me it took me a whiiiile to feel better about this. But what the difference is I’m ok with that, I’m ok with not being ok. I don’t feel shame in these feelings, as they are natural. I have to honour them and try to move on.
Pregnancy as beautiful as it is is hard, not only are you gifted with the most precious gift of life, but you are also given a mix of emotions, hormones and feelings. Although one of these doesn’t come with a guidebook ‘What To Expect When Your Going Crazy During Pregnancy’…. hmm maybe I’m onto a bestseller. Funny thing is through speaking about my issues with anxiety publicly, I have come to realize that I’m not alone, that so many others feel exactly how I do.
There is no shame in these feelings, because they are feelings, and feelings make you human.
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