This moment of my life is when I fell into a super dark space. Friends and family started to announce their happy news of pregnancy and it felt like everyone and their dog was expecting. This goes into my top 5 difficult things of infertility… watching those you love get pregnant. Of course you are over the moon for them, ecstatic, but it also highlights the massive empty void in your life. I would come home and just fall apart in Sameers arms. It got so bad that I would be jealous of strangers getting pregnant!
This only made me more desperate to get started on fertility treatments. We booked our appointment and started our first cycle of medicated timed intercourse. What is medicated timed intercourse? Basically it is a monitored cycle via ultrasounds and bloodwork to find the optimal time to have intercourse.
All The Pills
I was put on Letrozole pills for 5 days, then my cycle was monitored hard. Waking up every other day at 5am to get to the hospital for ultrasounds, followed by bloodwork every other day which increased to daily as my estrogen rose. Once the doctor was happy with my LH surge, I was given the go ahead to ‘trigger’ that night. I have never been so excited to stick a giant needle full of Ovidrel into my stomach. Then it’s up to us, the next morning doctor ordered (so weird) it was time for Sameer and I to make sweet sweet love!! We were told to do it a couple of times over the next few days. After that I was on Endometrin tablets, which are inserted into the vagina… they are not all that fun!
The sexy part of this was actually a lot of fun, but the stress of the two week wait was unbearable. I spent every second, waking and some what unconscious, symptom spotting like a crazy person. I was adamant that it had worked, but just like clockwork the ugly Aunt Flo showed up.
Now let me tell you something about getting your period when you’re trying to get pregnant, actually my mum explained it perfectly… when the dreaded ‘red dot’ showed up, I would go through a stage of mourning. It wasn’t though until around 5 months into this process of fertility treatments that I actually understood what she meant. I was going through a stage of loss and I needed to take the time to honour my feelings, to mourn that month.
Medicated timed intercourse was by far the least invasive treatment I have had done during this journey… oh and the cheapest! But after 3 months of heartbreak we knew it wasn’t going to work for us. A very hard pill to swallow.
Please remember if you are going through fertility issues, your feelings are valid. There is no wrong way to go through this, no textbook on how you should act. If you need to scream… SCREAM!
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